I am ME!

This is actually a paper I wrote about a year ago, I just reread and realized, I’m still this person, and I’m still pretty good with that thought!

 

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” (“Happy Birthday to You!” by Dr. Seuss

            I am a mess, a big pile of opposites, which somehow make up me.  I am on the outside sarcastic, tough, and aloof; and on the inside, I am what my husband would say is “all squishy.”  I am loving, supportive, and sometimes not nice, but I am fairly honest; I try to be the kind of person who when asked for help is there; and I work at being a good listener, not just the fantastic talker that I am.  Most of what I am, though, is reserved for family and those I count as dear; however, hurt me badly enough, and I will pretty much have nothing to do with you again.  I am a lot like the Hulk – I might not get big and green, but you definitely would not like me when I am angry.

            For the most part, I try not to care what others think about me. I will not lie – this has been and I suspect will be a lifelong challenge. I am active, often crazy-acting, and at times loud. However, when I first thought of changing who I was to fit in, I discovered that I was insanely bored with who I was supposed to be – as a result, from about middle school on, I have refused to be anyone other than who I really am.  When you are a bit more eccentric then your fellow students, you have to develop ways to deal with their fears of the different, and like so many others, I took the tough-kid route.  I have developed my personality to let others’ mean remarks seemingly roll off my back, and often I will take their insults and run with them – go ahead and tell me I dress weird, then wait and see what tomorrow’s outfit will be! I pretend at being tough, but like most people I will go home and still be hurt by what others say, I will just be damned if I let any of them find out.

            If any of my friends or family were to read this, they would probably laugh at the idea of my being aloof or tough, because when I am with them, I am anything but.  I am a dramatic, emotional roller coaster to them.  I strive to be who I want them to be for me, so I try to just listen and not always give my advice, even though it drives me crazy when people continuously complain about the same thing without attempting to fix it.  I like to think I am supportive, that I encourage them to be their best, and that if all else fails I hope every one of them knows I give mighty good hugs.  What some of them might not always appreciate is that I try to be honest, and I simply find it exceedingly difficult to tell white lies. Do not get me wrong, I am not going to tell someone they are fat, but I also will not tell them they are skinny, and if they complain about their weight I might remark on their diet or lack of fitness.  These comments have gotten me in trouble, but if I can be honest with myself, then I feel I can be honest with them.

            One of those squishy things on the inside is love, mixed with a bit of crazy.  I have a large family that seems to always be fighting; there is honestly never a truly peaceful moment when it comes to the whole pie.  The tides have changed and the rifts have been all over, but unfortunately, as we all age, I realize that some bridges will never be mended.  With all this bad blood I have grown up around, I will give my family one thing – that even though they may sometimes hate each other, and even though they have at times been very angry with me, they all, each in his/her own way and right, have taught me what it means to be loved.  Though I know there has been permanent damage done between certain members, I refuse to let this happen to me; yes, this does mean that I put up with things that I really cannot stand, but I have decided it is more important to me to be a part of their lives than not to be.

            Quite hypocritically, I will forgive my family their transgressions towards me, every time, but if you are not family, and you hurt me, you are essentially dead to me.  I am not a vengeful, angry person, I might think of many things I could do, but I would never act on those thoughts.  I will, however, cut you completely out of my life, I will not acknowledge you even when you come directly to me and start talking, and if your name is brought up in conversation, I will go blank and refuse to even talk about you.  I have been told that I hold people to too high of standards, and that judging them as I do when they do not live up to these values is wrong.  I believe that holding you to the same standards as I hold myself is not too high, just not easy.  This does mean that I have few friends, but those that I do have are amazing, and will stay in my life forever.

My body might be physically weak more often than not, but my heart and soul are strong.  If I set my mind to something, I will finish it, no matter what gets in my way, this is so ingrained into who I am that I often do not see another option. My health started to deteriorate seven years ago, and since then there have been many times that it would have been easier to give up on what I was doing with my life – but I never did, I never saw a different road to take, and because of that I am here today, instead of in a bed, leading a sad existence of a life.  I am a ferocious battle general who is unyielding – once my mind is made up, there is no changing my course, I will fight tooth and nail to win the war.

Almost a year and a half ago, I gave birth to my daughter. This has added a new dimension to who I am. I never really thought about what that would mean when it happened, but now that it has, I realize that it has changed the inner me in ways I had not expected.   I go to school, and work as hard as I do to get good grades, so that someday I can provide her with the things I never had – if she wants to take ballet or play hockey, I want to be able to say yes.  I love my daughter, but buying her lots of toys and spoiling her is something I cannot stand to think of, but buying her 10,000 pairs of shoes, no problem! Everyone seems to want their children to stay small and young forever; I, however, love watching her grow, and I am incredibly excited and eager to meet the woman she becomes.  I am a momma, not a mother, mom, or mommy – being a momma means to me being loving, accepting, providing, and will likely entail lots of awkward situations – I kind of cannot wait to embarrass her.

            Who I am may not be perfect to anyone, even myself, but at the very least I know where I have come from, where I am going, and I am okay with the person that I am.  I am a bit of a mess, with contradictions scattered throughout my personality: tough and squishy, aloof and caring, forgiving and intolerant.  I wear many hats, acting a particular way with each person I meet, but really is that so bad? Is it more honest to not care how others feel and be the same way all the time, or to be many different representations of myself, in respect to who I am with at the time?  I believe, for me, respecting others’ eccentricities is the best way for me to be me.  My life will continue and more challenges will be heaped on my shoulders, but I will always be changing with it, and hopefully always be moving forward.

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A Birthday, just for me?!

So today is my birthday, and what does one get for her birthday?  My first day of work at the day care, and oh this freak cold front, that in the South, has everyone so freaked out that everything is closing around 2pm!  So not only am I cold, but now I will have to cook my own dinner, which I think is a terrible idea.  Anyways on to some random writing…

There once was a ninja who was scared of the dark
Which the other ninjas thought was quite a lark
Because, well, who knew what was lurking about
So he would give a great yelp when the lights went out!
But the wise old man who lived at the top of the hill
Gave him a tool of light that could make his fear still.
So now when he saw a giant red eyed rat
He looked with his light, and saw his old cat
And where he thought there was an octopus
Was a coat rack making all that fuss.
So now when the lights went out, or the sun had gone down
The ninja could go to bed with a smile and not a frown!

I could see this as a children’s book…

E

E had been alone now for 15 years, wondering aimlessly through the left over despair, that’s all that was left, despair. She hadn’t seen another human being in 4 years, and she was beginning to think she was all that was left. Having given up hope long ago, she had no aim in where or why she went, she just survived. Alone. Tired and very aware of the huge emptiness the world now held, she sat, and cried. Today was Christmas, wasn’t this a hallmark in a life? In her life? 15 years ago, she had woken with the sun, and run down the stairs to see the presents under the tree and the cookies and milk left for Santa, gone, as if he had really come. Of course she thought he was real then… she had only been 7. E told herself to get up, to make a fire, make camp, anything… she laid down in the snow instead. It wasn’t cold, but soft and warm, like a bed, so E looked into the orange sky, and wondered where Santa was now. It seemed like another life, her last Christmas, it was someone else’s, not hers.
E ran back upstairs to wake her parents, so she could see what Santa had brought, but they made her wait until everyone was there. At the time it seemed like the wait would never end, but now it was mere seconds in memory. Family came, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, everyone who she loved was there, it should have been present enough, but E had wanted her toys, her dolls. The time came when all the kids could open the gifts, E tore through the wrapping to happily find everything she had asked for, she had been very good this year. While playing with her new dolls, E could hear the adults talking in hushed voices, they seemed to be arguing, and E thought nothing of it. Now she knew, they were arguing about the recent government mandates, and guides that were coming in the mail, and being talked about on the news. Something bad was happening, but no one knew how bad it would become.